ControlTop Pantyhose

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ControlTop Pantyhose

Control Top Pantyhose

Well there I was at K-Mart

on that dreadful, horrid day,

Shopping blue-light specials

and passing time away.

It was a lovely morning

there was magic in the air.

I never would have dreamed that

I was moments from despair!

I looked quit dashing in my suit

a charming shade or red.

And with my stomach sucked and tucked

I really turned some heads!

You see, I don't wear girdles

because that was grandma's style

They bound you up and turned you blue

you couldn't even smile!

So I'm hip today and dress it

just like all the rest...

Us women, we wear pantyhose

they hide the flab the best!

It happened in the toy aisle

where little children play,

I felt a "run" sneak up on me

my Control Tops gave away!

Well POUNDS of flesh and flab and chub

tumbled left and right...

And people scattered everywhere

to escape my cellulite!

As the run split down my wist and legs

it set my fat thighs free,

And everybody standing by

saw the truth of me.

People fainted, retched and screamed

I really could have died!

I tried to look anonymous

but there was no place I could hide.

"In that red suit, " somebody said,

"with her white fat bursting free,

She looks like a zit erupting. Look!

Lookit! Don't you see?"

They pointed and they shouted but

that still was not the worst.

The worst was when they evacuated

women and children first!

"Attention K-Mart shoppers!"

the intercom began,

"There was an "Act of God" in Toys

so get out while you can!"

If only it had ended there

and my agony been brief...

But so much more occurred that day

I wasn't spared relief!

My thunder thighs slapped up against

both aisles all stacked with toys.

And I wiped out the whole shibang

with most impressive noise.

My rolls of fat, my tubs of lard

attacked the plastic ships.

And the Rambo dolls could not compete

with my enormous hips!

Barbie dolls and G.I. Joes and

balls and games all flew,

My Control Tops now were all in shreds

there was nothing I could do!

"Why's that lady doing that?"

a little kid cried out.

Apparently he didn't know

what Control Top's all about!

A sudden hush befell the crowd

and I PROMISE this is true...

O'Reilly stood before me with

a television crew!

"You're going to make the headlines,"

O'Reilly smiled his evil way,

"This whole thing's so exciting!

You've really made our day!"

Of course I died a thousand deaths

embarrassment was great!

But O'Reilly didn't care

he thought that it was fate.

Please let me die, I prayed to God

just take me home to You.

"I know!" O'Reilly screamed to all

let's call Geraldo too!"

I won't bother with the rest

the memory pains me so...

But I have a word of warning

for you before you go.

Don't ever wear Control Tops

if you are built like me.

Don't ever shop at K-Mart

unless you wear size three.

Don't ever play with Rambo dolls

don't watch O'Reilly's news,

And don't forget this story, girls

when you have the blues!

tammy skaggs

It's Nobody's Fault Anymore

Have you noticed that it's nobody's fault anymore? (unless you're George Bush and then EVERYTHING is your fault!) It seems that the meaner people behave, the more slack they are given. I don't get it. There used to be a time when people were accountable for their actions. Not anymore.

• She slapped her baby?! It's ok, this was only the first time.

• They want to build a mosque on the very site they destroyed? Well, we DO have freedom of religion!

• They are releasing the terrorists??? Sure, we're sending them home.

• He embezzled HOW MUCH money??? Let's just put that one under the table.

• The president is associated with terrorists, socialists, liars, Acorn and he refuses to show a birth

certificate??? Don't be such a hater, we have things under control.

• But we don't WANT sharia law! But it's GOOD for you!

Ya know, nobody is taking us seriously anymore. Ask questions...you're a hater. Demand answers...you're a racist.

• Is the Gulf seriously ALL BETTER now after all the oil-spewing for weeks??? Of course, but you are not allowed to get close enough to take pictures and all reporters will be fined.

If we try to speak out Nancy Pelosi is going to have us investigated. None of this, of course, is HER fault...it's those nasty republican trouble makers... or worse, those Christians!

Well guess WHAT mosque-lovers? It was the muslims who blew those towers to bits and burned the flesh of a couple thousand people (those who couldn't bring themselves to jump to their death). Muslims...it is YOUR fault and I don't want your "peaceful religion anywhere NEAR ground zero thankyouverymuch. God knows what you have done!

Obama, you are ANYTHING but open to the American people. You hide things in bills within bills. You deny everything and do whatever you want. You're throwing us to the wolves. You are celebrating and lifting up muslims and ignoring Christians! With all due respect, Sir...you are destroying my country. But it isn't your fault, is it?

And it's not the rapist's fault... that girl was asking for it. It's not the thief's fault, he was homeless and needed food and money. It's not the crackhead's fault... he came from a broken home. It's not the murderer's fault and he's pleading insanity.

This used to be a great country! Let me remind you of what this country used to stand for:

I give you President George Washington who said, "I cannot tell a lie..." A moment of silence for greatness! Oh, to have our leaders stand with just a HINT of that greatness. But, no.

A Goodnight Prayer

Now I lay me down to sleep

I pray the Lord, the Gulf to keep.

And bless the fishes in the sea

that they be spared atrocity.

Bless the ships and bless the land

and bless each little grain of sand.

For You, Oh Lord are on patrol

and everything's in Your control. Amen

Moving to Mexico

Someone forwarded this to me this morning and it is just too good not to pass along. I DO NOT KNOW WHO THE AUTHOR IS.... but it's a must read! :-)

Dear President Obama:

I'm planning to move my family and extended family into Mexico for my health, and I would like to ask you to assist me.
We're planning to simply walk across the border from the U.S. Into Mexico, and we'll need your help to make a few arrangements.
We plan to skip all the legal stuff like visas, passports, immigration quotas and laws.
I'm sure they handle those things the same way you do here. So, would you mind telling your buddy, President Calderon, that I'm on my way over?
Please let him know that I will be expecting the following:

1. Free medical care for my entire family.
2. English-speaking government bureaucrats for all services I might need, whether I use them or not.
3. Please print all Mexican government forms in English.
4. I want my grandkids to be taught Spanish by English-speaking (bi-lingual) teachers.
5. Tell their schools they need to include classes on American culture and history.
6. I want my grandkids to see the American flag on one of the flag poles at their school.
7. Please plan to feed my grandkids at school for both breakfast and lunch.
8. I will need a local Mexican driver's license so I can get easy access to government services.
9. I do plan to get a car and drive in Mexico , but, I don't plan to purchase car insurance, and I probably won't make any special effort to learn local traffic laws.
10. In case one of the Mexican police officers does not get the memo from their president to leave me alone, please be sure that every patrol car has at least one English-speaking officer.
11. I plan to fly the U.S. Flag from my house top, put U S. Flag decals on my car, and have a gigantic celebration on July 4th. I do not want any complaints or negative comments from the locals.
12. I would also like to have a nice job without paying any taxes, or have any labor or tax laws enforced on any business I may start.
13. Please have the president tell all the Mexican people to be extremely nice and never say critical things about me or my family, or about the strain we might place on their economy.
14. I want to receive free food stamps.
15. Naturally, I'll expect free rent subsidies.
16. I'll need Income tax credits so although I don't pay Mexican Taxes, I'll receive money from the government.
17. Please arrange it so that the Mexican Gov't pays $4,500 to help me buy a new car.
18. Oh yes, I almost forgot, please enroll me free into the Mexican Social Security program so that I'll get a monthly income in retirement.

I know this is an easy request because you already do all these things for all his people who walk over to the U.S. from Mexico. I am sure that President Calderon won't mind returning the favor if you ask him nicely.

Thank you so much for your kind help. You're the man!!!

WHAT is going ON?!

We get up every morning now to news that blows our minds. High numbers of priests abusing children, Illegal immigrants crossing the border and killing Americans, disease, earthquakes, volcanoes, hurricanes! I don't know about you but I almost flinch before I pull up a news site to see what happened while I was away! Politics alone can scare you half to death! Mothers killing children, husbands killing entire families, bullying and hatred is rampant. What is going on?

The bad news is, this isn't going to get any better. According to Scripture, it is going to get worse. (Don't leave me just yet). Whether you are a believer in Jesus or not, these same end times still apply. I don't know if you've ever read the Bible before but there is a FASCINATING chapter about what is supposed to happen during the end times! We are all curious about those times and Hollywood is making bank because of our curiosity; however, instead of finding out the truth for ourselves, we rely on Hollywood for the truth. (and quite frankly, how's THAT been workin' out for us?) Many suppose that we are headed into a beautiful time of unity and peace, but that is not Biblical.

Don't you want to KNOW? I mean, seriously... don't you want to KNOW what's supposed to happen to us? Where can we go for the truth? I want some SERIOUS authority on this issue! I don't want to accept guesses and speculation. Where better than the Bible to get this answer? How about from Jesus Himself? You don't have to believe what He says, but you will be amazed at His accurate account of the times we are living in!

Find a Bible and look for the Book of Matthew, go to the 24th chapter. The story begins when Jesus comes out of the temple and His disciples point out all the beautiful architecture of the buildings nearby and Jesus tells them they won't be standing forever... and then He tells them about "the end of the age". He tells them what signs we will see, the things that will be happening and what to expect. That's it. That's chapter 24. All about the end times. These are Jesus' words, not man's. Who would know the answer to this, if not Jesus?

There is one verse in this chapter that really disturbs me. It's verse 12: "And because lawlessness is increased, most people's love will grow cold." That should send chills up your spine. When our love grows cold we begin to hate and doubt. We become bitter and distrusting of one another. I submit to you that THIS is why mothers are killing their own children and why bullying is rampant. Our love is fading. We must cling to the love we have! What we need to realize is that love only comes from one source; God. Rumi has some great quotes but he won't get you to heaven. He can give you a "feel-good" moment but it isn't true love. To make it through these times we need to have the real deal and the only way we can get it is from Christ.

After reading this chapter in Matthew, you will see that we are living in these prophetic times. What Jesus said would happen, is happening now. People's love is growing cold. My prayer is that we come to Jesus as our Savior and Provider and ask for more love so that we can fulfill His command to love one another. Now THERE is a love story!

Another great book to read about the end is Revelation. It's a difficult book because there is SO much symbolism but Revelation is the ONLY book ever written that promises a blessing to everyone who reads it. Imagine that?! You have been promised a blessing merely by reading this chapter! (I am now in a study of Revelation and it is amazing!)

You can clearly see what is happening around us and it clearly coincides with what Jesus said would happen. But maybe, you want more proof? There has been an, as yet unfulfilled prophecy concerning the utter destruction of Damascas. Read Isaiah chapter 17. The prophecy is that the city of Damascas will be utterly destroyed within a 24 hour period. This has not happened yet, but it will happen.

Please look at the signs around you and see what God is saying! Is there hope at ALL for us? YES! Jesus is our hope! He has promised His children that He would spare them from His coming wrath. Jesus is the God of love...turn to Him, don't let your love grow cold. Ask for more love and remember to love one another. We need each other in these times. I thank Jesus for His protection and I beg you to consider these prophecies that are being fulfilled right before our eyes. Come to Jesus.

A Rich Story about Being Poor

My father was the the youngest of three boys. His father was in the military and they were stationed in Germany. It was a tough time. "Plenty" was not an option. He tells stories of walking down train tracks to gather coal to help heat their house. One year a family friend handed down a raccoon coat to the oldest son. It was used but in great shape. The two younger brothers coveted it. Another year went by and the coat was handed down to the middle son, who wore it constantly in the German winter. Finally, the coat was passed down to the youngest, my father. By this time, the coat was in horrible shape, missing clumps of hair with patches in various places. Dad was mortified! He refused to wear the coat at all because he didn't want to be seen by his friends. It was getting colder and dad stuck by his guns that he wouldn't be seen in public with the coat. One day he was home alone. Everyone in the house was out somewhere and it was just him. A knock sounded on the door and when he opened it, he was thrilled to see that it was Germany's equivalent of the Salvation Army. He immediately donated the old, nasty coat and was nearly glowing with the realization that he was done with it forever. NOW, he could get a new coat!

Would that life were so easy! It was a month later when another knock came at the door and his mother answered it. Dad was sitting nearby and heard a gentleman say, "Your family has been chosen as one of our needier families and we have some things for you." His mother stepped away from the door and Dad watched as they brought in several sacks of clothing and food items. Excited, he began rummaging through the bags, only to discover that he had received back the very same old, raccoon coat he had earlier donated. While dad was devastated, I'm sure God had a good laugh about that! What were the ODDS that this could happen?! A good lesson for us all: be satisfied with what you have. God knows what you need.

My Grandmother Was a Poor, Black Woman

Mary Gertrude Hagen met Thomas Eslie Hampton in Ronceverte, West Virginia. Thomas, more commonly known as "Jack" edited and published the Ronceverte Times there. He was 20 years old. Mary worked for him. She operated the linotype machine. They were married in the late summer of 1912. They had seven children, the last born of which, was my mother.

Jack and Mary were quite a pair. Mary, beautiful and Jack, handsome; both very intelligent, always stimulating their children with stories and tales. Jack, always suggesting books for them to read and Mary (who was Irish) always telling fairy stories.

"The story" was everything to Jack; the meat, the details, the whispers. He loved his work. He left for work everyday in a crisp white shirt, black trousers and a newspaper under his arm. A man who knew his business. Rumor has it that he stopped a lynching one time. People loved him and he loved them back. For Jack, there were no racial boundaries. He despised it when anyone was disrespectful to black people. He began to be known as the person you could go to for help. Jack Hampton was your man. There are hundreds of great stories about him and Mary. But the best story to me was what happened after their death.

My mother, Jeannie, was Jack and Mary's youngest. When Jeannie was 6 months old, Mary died of cancer. This left Jack alone with his work and seven children. Jack knew a young black woman who was in need and he offered her work, to help raise his children. For seven years, Zeltha stayed on. She cleaned the house, she raised and loved the children and she taught them how to love without color-blindness. She told them stories and taught them how to work. Zeltha was the only mother that Jeannie ever knew.

When Jeannie was seven years old, her father, Jack died too... also from cancer. The children all worked to stay together during this time and Zeltha never left them. (Keep in mind that Zeltha was married and had a family of her own. She would spend all day with Jack and Mary's children and then go home to care for her own. This was an AMAZING woman).

Jeannie learned so much from Zeltha. How strange would it be for a baby to have never known her own mother and barely, her own father. But Zeltha kept her intact. She gave her security, hope and love. Jeannie grew to be, herself, an amazing woman who carried what she had been taught and passed it down to her own children. After a time, Zeltha went to be with the Lord and by then, the family was grown and self-sufficient.

Jeannie died 16 years ago. I'm her daughter. I only met Zeltha one time in my life when the family gave her a thank-you party for her love in their lives. She was an old, small, thin, black woman with eyes I will never forget. She took my face in her hands and said, "My Jeannie," (thinking I was my mother).

What I would give to be able to sit with her today and hear all the stories of Jack and Mary and Jeannie. How I would love to hear her speak about racism and integrity and honor. I pray that this woman somehow lives inside a part of me today and makes me respectful and kind and accepting of others, my grandmother.